I'm the child of strict, overbearing Asian parents who believe you should not be with a significant other until you're out of college. In other words, mid-20's or older. I'm not sure if they seriously expect me to wait that long, but it sucks.

They have this standard for me that seems to be raised up higher whenever I get close to it. I'm a straight A student. Currently, I'm ranked third in my class. I'm in band, debate, theatre, student council (I'm vice-president of my class), UIL spelling, and UIL poetry and prose. I try to overachieve as best as I can. 100's are excellent. Low A's are good. I get worried at B's. C's are unacceptable. Anything below is certain doom.

I don't know. I've started falling for a boy. He's amazing. He has this soft, brown hair and smooth skin. His eyes are sleepy, in an adorable way, and blue. Yes, how cliche; lovely blue eyes. But it's true. He towers over me and my neck hurts sometimes from craning up to look at him. He weighs 3x as much as I do, and I love hugging him. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He's my first kiss, my first real boyfriend, the first guy I think i've ever really fallen for. And everything else is falling apart.

Can a relationship be built on secrecy and lies and go on? Not us lying to each other; me to my parents. They don't know. They can't; they'd forbid it. I don't want that. I'm their perfect straight A, no drugs, parties, alcohol, overachieving daughter. I'm his girlfriend. I hate lying; I don't want to not be his anymore.

I feel pathetic. Surely I should be able to be independent? I wish. I feel like everyother cliche teenage girl, giving their hearts to anyone who'll give attention.

But, it's not like that.

I don't know.

I can't fix it. I can pass AP world history and algebra 2 and I can play my scales and force down milk and make a 100 on my spanish interview and I can say things I swore I'd wait years to say and I can give things away that I swore I'd never give away. But I can't fix it. I can't...I'm powerless, and it's scary.

I'm going to cry.

I wish...i hope it won't have to end.

I promise to tell my parents when the time is right.
I hope that time comes soon.
I hope they'll realize, I'm not like other kids. I'm better than that.

I hope someone will believe in me.

I care about him so much it scares me. I care about their thoughts of me so much it scares me. I need some celexa or something rofl.

Why does life knock you down when you're up, and then continue to kick you while you're down?

I'm sorry I can't fix it. But I'll try. Please believe me.

much as i appreciate my culture and though i am proud of who I am and where I came from, i will never forget what it's done to me.

i have no strength left.

if we broke up, i dont know if we could be friends for a while. it'd be too hard for me.

i hope it wont come to that.
I hope alot.


I hate Asian values and traditions.

everything's terrible.